


you were never really gone

by heroicgay



Category: The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling, Fluff and Angst, I'm bad at tags, Kissing, M/M, Newt is alive, No Smut, Post-The Death Cure, Safe Haven, Suicide Attempt, The Death Cure, but its not graphic i promise, gets cheesy as heck but its what we deserve, he gets taken by wckd and is a villain for like 5 seconds, lots of timeskips lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-22 23:39:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14319603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroicgay/pseuds/heroicgay
Summary: when newt wakes up alone in the last city with a knife sticking out of his chest, he's mostly confused but he knows one thing for sure -- he needs to get back to his friends. and he does, but it doesn't happen the way that he expects.





	you were never really gone

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic and i wrote it over the span of a month so it might not be the best (i know the formatting is awful and i accidentally wrote it all lowercase) but i hope you enjoy!
> 
> tw for brief suicidal thoughts

newt woke with a gasp, bolting up into a sitting position before crying out at a sharp pain that had shot through his chest. his eyes widened when he spotted the knife protruding from his shirt, blood staining the area around it. then bits and pieces had come flooding back to him. most of it was blurry however he knew he was fighting off the flare. he remembered the way it was eating away at every last shred of his sanity, causing him to act out in ways that he never would have normally. but they’d rescued minho, which is all he truly cared about. and he’d gotten to say goodbye. thomas took the letter. it was fine. except, it wasn’t. because he was alive. how the hell could he be alive? the blonde sat deep in thought for quite some time, trying to piece the events back into one. he thinks maybe he heard teresa. and then he had thomas pinned to the ground, attacking him. next thing he remembers is the knife piercing his chest and collapsing to the ground. then thomas walked away. they all walked away. they left him there to die while he was screaming inside himself, desperate to break out. but his body was frozen. paralyzed, somehow. it felt as though his insides had burst into flames. he must’ve passed out at some point. and now, here he was, surrounded by ruins of a city that use to be. alone. terrified. he didn’t blame his friends. it hurt, but at least they were safe. that’s all newt had wanted, after all. no matter what the cost, even if that cost had been him. though he knew there was still hope. he could still get to the safe haven if he truly tried. if he wanted to. which, of course he wanted to. why wouldn’t he?  
  
“you can’t give up,” newt whispered to himself, the same words he’d spoken to thomas that night at the campfire in the scorch. he thought back to a conversation they had shared in the car on their way to the last city. it was directions to their new home so that if they got separated, they could make their way back to each-other or bring new immunes. at the time newt hadn’t cared much because he knew he would fight like hell to never leave thomas and fry’s side but now it had proven to be quite useful. he’d remember to thank thomas when he got home. home. he’d never truly had one of those, did he? not that he could remember, anyway. of course there was the glade, but he’d never consider that a home. the glade was where he built a family, but not a home.  
  
the boy pushed himself up off the ground, laughing softly at the fact that he’d be wandering with a knife in his chest until he could find materials to patch himself up. though it was definitely better than bleeding out and it wasn’t like there was anyone left living to judge him for it.  
  
he couldn’t deny the satisfaction that he’d felt while walking through the ruins of wckd’s city. everything they’d worked for was burnt to ash. destroyed. just like the innocent kids they sent into the maze and the lives that they’d once known. wckd had stolen everything from anyone who had ever come up on their radar. it was only fair that they end up having everything stolen from them, too.

  
newt wandered aimlessly for a bit as he tried to map out where he needed to be headed until he was stopped by a pair of men in armor much like his own. one seemed to immediately recognize him. he pulled out a walkie talkie before speaking quietly. everything in the boy said to run. but before he could even make the decision to actually do so, he was tackled to the ground and a needle was stabbed into his neck, causing him to cry out as the world went black.  
  
—  
  
“he must’ve removed his tag. i recognized him, though. newt. subject a5. the glue. here’s his file. he was part of the maze trials. what’s interesting, though, is that he isn’t immune. and after running some tests we can tell that he was infected however now he seems.....cured?”  
  
“and the others?”  
  
“nowhere to be found. we’d like to ask him questions, but given his groups track record, it’s safe to assume that he would never cooperate.”  
  
“you’re most likely right about that. i’m calling for a memory manipulation procedure. see what he remembers, then we’ll alter it for our benefit.”  
  
the man nodded before hooking newt up to various machines and taking the last bit of himself that he’d had left.  
  
—  
  
newt had been fiddling with the hospital gown they’d put him in when the doctor walked into the room. her name tag read horowitz.    
  
“ah, newt, you’re awake,” the woman said with a polite smile, settling down on the stool beside him with a clipboard and recorder of some sorts in hand. “how are you feeling?”  
  
“about as good as i can,” the boy replied with a shrug. he didn’t want to tell her that he felt empty. numb. just like he’d had when he went up into the maze, but this time worse somehow.  
  
“any pain in your stab wound?”  
  
“none, actually. thank you. you managed the patch it up better than i probably ever could.”  
  
“no need to thank me, newt. just doing my job. we’re absolutely amazed with your progress. from the maze trials to now, you’ve definitely impressed us. though we’ve always known you were our strongest contender.”  
  
“really?” there was a glint in his eyes, now. him? the strongest?  
  
“absolutely. we’ve always had such big plans for you, which thomas knew. he was jealous of this fact so he led you astray. he tried to take it all away from you. but we’ve got you now. everything will be alright now. i can promise you that.”  
  
newt soaked up her words like a sponge, believing every single lie she spewed. then again, he didn’t have much of a choice. wckd had gotten into his head. tampered with his thoughts and memories. in his eyes, wckd was good and thomas was a traitor. thomas had torn his heart in half and stomped it into the ground.  
  
the truth was, wckd had never thought twice about newt after they’d sent him into the maze. they certainly never believed he’d last the three years he was trapped there. and, if it weren’t for the information and work he could now do for them, they wouldn’t give a damn about him. he’d probably have been killed on site if they weren’t in search of all the subjects he and his friends had stolen.  
  
“i hate him,” newt mumbled, a fire sparking to life in his eyes.  
  
doctor horowitz nodded, pursing her lips together. “understandably so. he’s used you and ruined a lot for the both of us. most recently being breaking out minho and the other children we’ve been working with. they were the closest we’ve come to perfecting the cure. do you remember doing that, newt?”  
  
“yes, i remember. i’m sorry for letting him get into my head like that. he made me think that i was working for the right side. now i know he was wrong. though, you don’t need minho or those kids. it’s wasted effort.”  
  
“why would you say that?”  
  
“thomas.”  
  
the woman sighed and shook her head. “newt, whatever they put into your head is—-“  
  
“no, you don’t understand. it’s thomas. thomas is the cure. i heard teresa tell him. he’s already cured an infected.”  
  
“who?”  
  
“her name is brenda. friend of his. that’s why he stabbed me. because he knew i heard, and he didn’t want to help me. he’d gotten what he wanted from me and he left me for dead. i — i thought we were friends, but i was just a pawn in his games.”  
  
the woman’s eyes widened as she made note on clipboard.  
  
“when he stabbed you, was it a fight?”  
  
“yes. he attacked me, so i defended myself.”  
  
“how?”  
  
“i stabbed him, too. or tried to. was more of a surface wound, i suppose. why? why does this matter?”  
  
“just trying to understand the severity of what he put you through,” she lied before scribbling down more on her clipboard. then she was turning off the recorder and dismissing herself from the room, telling the boy to get some rest.  
  
the chancellor was already outside the door, waiting eagerly for her finds.  
  
“did you get anything from him?”  
  
“you did good in ordering for his capture, chancellor. he’s already proven to be quite valuable. you’re never going to believe this. that boy, thomas? he’s the cure. or so the subject says. he claims that he heard teresa say it and that he’s cured a friend of theirs. however, i also believe that he cured subject a5. he stabbed thomas before he himself was stabbed, which means that blood got into his stream and would potentially be why he’s no longer infected. with the tests we’ve run we’ve already been able to detect that there’s something inside him breaking apart and destroying the virus. it may be thomas’ blood. and really, if there’s even a chance that’s true, i fully believe that we should act on it.”  
  
the chancellor’s eyes lit up at this new revelation, a smile spreading across her face. “we need to find out if the boy is aware of thomas’ location. if he is, we send him to retrieve thomas.”  
  
“alone?”  
  
“of course not. we’ll all be hidden close by and he’ll have a guard or two with him if he chooses. but, we all know how thomas’ loyalty lies with his friends. we’re more likely to receive his cooperation if the situation feels less like an attack. i’m putting you in charge of prepping the boy for departure.”  
  
“don’t you suppose there’s a bit of risk in sending him out so soon? it’s possible that something could trigger his past memories without multiple treatments and some time for him to settle. we need at least a week.”

“he’ll be fine. you’ve been given your orders. if you cannot obey them, i’ll find someone else to.”

“that won’t be necessary. i’ll prepare the subject immediately.”

—

newt was practically unrecognizable as he stared at his reflection in the window of the berg. his hair was neatly combed and he wore a pair of tight white jeans, a tank top, and a white cardigan. it was very similar to the attire of a chancellor, despite the fact of that not being his role. they wanted him to look distinctively different from the boy that thomas once knew. almost as if it was a warning.

_come with us, or he won’t be the only thing you lose. you may take us down eventually, but we’ll make sure to taint everything you love before that can ever truly happen._

many of thomas’ friends had died and they knew that despite how much it would always hurt, it became something everyone had prepared themselves for in the current world. and all it seemed to do to thomas now was further ignite that fire in his heart. wckd wanted to break him. what could hurt more than learning that the person he loved most, that he’d already mourned, was actually alive yet lost in a completely new way? that the person he’d loved most could hardly stand the sight of him?

“we need to land a distance from their camp. if they hear or see us, i guarantee you they’ll flee. which won’t be hard considering they’ve got a massive boat,” newt informed the wckd workers, earning a few nods in response before the message was passed around for everyone.

for newt, it felt good to be in charge. to finally be the leader of a situation. another honor of his that he felt had been stolen away by thomas. alby had always made it clear that if something were to happen to him, newt would take over command. nobody ever protested to that because they all saw that to be the best option. but not thomas. he had to come and take over. force himself in where he had no business. he couldn’t let newt have just this one thing. in a place where he’d felt powerless, he finally had the opportunity to take back the reins and thomas snatched that away. what hurts the most, he thinks, is that nobody even protested. nobody seemed to care. all the friends he thought he had were frauds. everything they spent three years building was tossed aside for a guy who had been around for three days. newt hated them. but he hated himself, too. how could he have ever doubted wckd and the plans they had for him? how could he ever lose sight of the good they wanted to do for him? _with_ him? they always had his best interest in mind. they were better to him than the gladers ever had been.

“wckd is good,” newt assured himself, finding safety and comfort in those three words. they were the only thing he was one hundred percent certain of.

—

the sun was just beginning to rise on the safe haven when thomas stepped out from under the tent where they all slept. he was the only one awake, though that wasn’t too unusual these days. he was always the last to fall asleep and the last to wake. it was hard to rest when your mind was consumed by wars, deaths, grief, and guilt. he found comfort in the loneliness, though. sometimes it made him feel like everything was a dream or perhaps he was in the afterlife. he liked both of those because it either meant that none of this had ever happened, or that it had but he’d been the only one who died. of course that wasn’t the reality. it never would be.

the boy settled down in the sand, observing the way the sun glistened on the calm sea. _newt would’ve loved this_ , he thinks. thomas knew it probably wasn’t healthy but he often wondered what it would be like if newt was here with him. he liked to think that they’d wake up early and watch the sunrise together. newt would be sitting between his legs, back pressed to his chest. thomas’ arms would be around the blondes waist as he pressed kisses to his neck and shoulder. god, it’s what they deserved. he wanted that for them more than anything. 

thomas gripped the necklace that rest against his chest and pressed his lips to the pendant, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. he’d really fucked up. and this time, there was no way for him to fix it. 

“not much of a courageous leader now, are you, tommy?”

the brunette immediately jumped to his feet at the familiar voice behind him, turning around with wide eyes. there newt was, standing before him on perfect cue. except this newt felt cold and unfamiliar.

“you --- you’re not here. you’re not real.” he spoke soft, voice shaking.

newt’s face turned up in a smile but it wasn’t warm and adoring like the one thomas had grown so fond of. it was mischievous and frightening in a way that sent shivers down his spine. the blonde stepped forward and took the others hand, resting it on his cheek for a few moments before twisting his arm, causing thomas to cry out in pain. newt only chuckled as he released the boy.

“real enough for you now?”

thomas swallowed thickly and truly looked at the boy. there was no way he _wasn’t_ real. but he looked not a thing like himself. he looked like -- wckd. he _was_ wckd.

“what the hell did they do to you? i -- newt, i watched you die.”

“you left me to die! maybe that was your intention all along, though. i bet you knew what you were going to do from the moment you set foot in the glade. had already started planning things out. and when alby told you that he’d already had an established order and way of life for us, you just couldn’t handle that, could you? because you had it in your head that you were so much better than all of us. more people have died because of you than anyone else! how good can you possibly be better than us, thomas? when you have that much blood on your hands?”

“newt, i…..” thomas trailed off, blinking away tears before starting back up the beach to a nearby shack as he shook his head. what the hell could he do? what could he say? maybe this was just a really bad dream and it would all go away if he just kept going. except before he could get much of anywhere, newt was grabbing his arm and stopping him in his tracks.

“just going to walk away, are you now? as if it’s ever been that easy.”

“what do you want me to say, newt? i _know_ i’ve got blood on my hands. it haunts me every single day. and you --- you’re not _you_. i don’t know what it is you think happened in the maze and the city, but whatever it is, you’re wrong.”

newt let go of the boy and allowed him to make his way into the shack, following behind with a low chuckle, arms crossed over his chest as he shook his head.

“what, so i’m just crazy then, is it?”

“no, newt, of course not. it’s just — how are you even alive? why are you here?”

“you know, part of me hoped you’d actually be happy to see me and that i’d be wrong about you, just so i could steal that smile right from your face. suppose i can’t get everything i’d like. but to answer your question, tommy, if you’d actually cared enough to stick around, you would’ve seen that i was very much still alive. and it was you who cured me. your blood. well, that’s what we suspect, anyway. won’t know for certain until my friends and i get you back up to the lab and run some tests. but teresa was on our side and we don’t believe she’d have any reason to lie. she never betrayed us, only you.”

“you want me to come with you? with wckd?”

“oh, trust me, it’s not what i want. if i was getting what i wanted right now you’d be dead. but i happen to care about the greater good, so i’m not going to hurt you. not yet, anyway. not until we get what we need from you and they give me permission.”

thomas didn’t think that he had much of a heart left to break until he heard those words come out of his best friends mouth. the boy who’d confessed that he would follow him anywhere, who’d made sure he never gave up, who’d told him that he deserved to be happy, now wanted him dead. this wasn’t newt. not really. he knew that, however it still hurt horribly. and he’d gotten wckd’s message loud and clear. but thomas didn’t have it in him to give up. he was a fighter. he was a leader. and people were counting on him to keep their paradise safe. and who was to say that wckd wouldn’t do here what they did in the mountains even if he did agree to go? it wasn’t a risk that he was willing to take. not now. not anymore. and he wasn’t going to put himself in a position where he was helpless.

“i’m not going with them, newt. and you -- you don’t have to either. they’re playing games with your mind. you don’t have to let them. you can stay with me. we can fight them together. just like we always have. we’re a team. and right now we have a choice. don’t make the wrong one. _please_.”

he could’ve sworn he saw a flash of the boy he once knew inside those big brown eyes. though if he did then he was gone just as quick as he had came. without wasting a single moment more, newt was throwing thomas against the wall, a knife pulled from his pocket. it was the same one that had been shoved into newt’s chest in the last city. thomas was going to be sick.

“don’t you dare lie to me! don’t act like you’ve ever been my friend, thomas! you did what you had to do to get everyone on your side and to ensure that you would get your best shot at survival. then in the last city when you found out that i had the flare, you made the decision not to help me. you made everyone think you did, of course. that you _tried._ but the second you got me alone you were shoving a knife into my chest and fleeing before you could face any consequences. it’s always been about **you**. you’re selfish, and i’m not bloody falling for it! so cut the shit, it’s over. i’ve got dozens of soldiers ready to blow your little paradise to bits if you don’t cooperate. it’d be a shame for all these innocent people to die because you’re too fucked up and self absorbed, don’t you think?”

the knife was pressed to the brunette’s throat now and his eyes were filling with tears once more, threatening to spill down his cheeks. _this isn’t him. it’s wckd. they got in his head. he doesn’t actually feel this way._ yet even though thomas reminded himself of this, the words still stung. they still pierced a hole straight through his heart.

“it doesn’t have to be like this. please.”

“you made it like this! you should’ve just played their game! done your goddamn part! it could be so _easy_! just make it easy!” newt begged, his own eyes filling with tears. he looked beyond broken. thomas was going to fix this. he was going to fix newt and then he was going to take down wckd for good.

“they’re all going to suffer for what they’ve done to you,” thomas promised softly.

that only seemed to set newt off further, and the knife that was pressed against thomas’ throat was now threatening to stab into his chest.

" _you_ did this to me! can’t you see that? i’m a monster of your making.” newt pulled back, then, appearing to completely give up on thomas. it was clear that he wasn’t going to cooperate without some motivation. and that’s exactly what newt was going to give him. he’d set thomas’ entire world on fire. it would be beautiful.

he turned to leave the shack when thomas began speaking again, voice shaky and soft. newt rolled his eyes before freezing completely when he actually listened.

“dear thomas, this is the first letter i can remember writing. obviously i don’t know if i wrote any before the maze. but even if it’s not my first, it’s likely to be my last.”

“what are you doing?”

“i want you to know i’m not scared. well, not of dying, anyway. it’s more forgetting. it’s losing myself to this virus, that’s what scares me. so every night i’ve been saying their names out loud. alby—“

“shut up.”

“—winston—“

“shut up!”

“—chuck.”

newt cried out in what one would probably describe as a mixture of anger, agony, and fear. it was awful. thomas couldn’t even get out another word out because the blonde was turning around and charging at him with his knife raised. he managed to slice thomas’ cheek before he was able to catch his wrists and disarm him.

“i hate you! i hate you, i hate you, i fucking hate you!”

“you don’t mean that. you know you don’t.”

“i hate you. i wish you were dead.”

looking in his eyes, you could see he was still fighting himself, just as he had been in the last city. except this time there was a completely different source for his pain. there was no flare eating away at him. no, it was just the poisonous lies that wckd had manipulated him into believing. he had no idea what was truth and what was fiction. he was suffering. except this time, thomas could do something about it. thomas could save him before it was too late. before he was gone forever.

he shifted their positions so that newt was now pinned against the wall, still grasping his wrists tightly to prevent him from moving too much.

“get off me, let me go!”

“no! listen to me, newt. listen to me. what you think you know is all lies put into your head by wckd. deep down you know that, too. the letter i was just reciting, you wrote for me. don’t you remember that? the city was burning behind us and you were screaming at me to take it. to take _this_ —“ thomas gestured to the necklace, recognition flashing in newt’s expression, “that’s what you put the letter in. i didn’t want to take it because it reminded me too much of chuck. remember when he gave me the figurine for his parents? and then he just _died_ right there in my arms. i — i wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you. i couldn’t let you give up. not after you’d fought so hard. not when you’d never let me give up. so i dragged you through the streets and tried to make it to the tunnels to get the serum. you’re heavier than you look, though, and we ended up collapsing. i was going to drag you further till teresa came on the speakers. she distracted me, and maybe if i’d kept going with you while she spoke, i could’ve truly saved you how i intended. but i didn’t and that's my fault, okay? nobody else's. then you’d cranked out and, god, i thought you were past the gone. nothing has ever scared me so much -- thinking i’d lost you. except when we were on those train tracks with gally. anyway, we started fighting really bad. you tried shooting yourself but i smacked the gun away. then you started to stab me till you came to and apologized. you were lost again pretty fast, though. wanted me to kill you. i couldn’t. how could i? next thing i know, we’re holding onto each other and you pulled back with the knife lodged in your chest. everything happened so fast. i don’t remember touching it. i think you did it yourself. you said my name before collapsing and you died in my arms. or, i thought you did. i wanted to scream and cry but i just…..i got up and i left. i went to kill ava paige. guess you probably know she’s dead. wasn’t me, though. it was janson. he tried to use me for the cure. however none of that's important. you’re what’s important. i don’t know why the others left your body there, okay? maybe because they saw the wckd building collapsing and came to save me. which, i guess, probably isn’t too comforting but seriously, none of us had ill intent with you, newt. we all wanted to save you. _i_ wanted to save you. i never wanted to hurt you. and you didn’t want to hurt me, either. you still don’t. i know you don’t. _that’s_ the truth. not whatever fabricated story wckd spoon-fed you.”

“you…..you’re lying to me, thomas,” newt whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. thomas had never seen him so destroyed in the entire time that they’d been friends.

“i’m not, newt. you know i’m not. i know you’re scared and confused, but please don’t fight the truth. it’s okay. everything is going to be okay. i’m here, i’ve got you. come on. come back to me. just come back to me.”

something inside newt truly snapped at that and he began to sob, choking out, “i’m sorry, tommy. i’m so sorry, tommy. i’m sorry.” immediately thomas released newt’s wrists and the blonde didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms tightly around the other.

“it’s okay, it’s okay. i’m not mad. it’s not your fault. none of this is your fault. it’s okay,” thomas soothed.

they stayed like that for a bit — holding one another and crying, with thomas occasionally kissing newt’s hair. they probably could’ve stayed that way for hours if they weren’t interrupted by a radio signal going off in newt’s pocket. he pulled away from thomas like a deer in headlights, absolutely terrified and unsure of what to do. however instead of commenting on it, he wiped away some of the blood on his friend’s cheek and whispered another apology.

“give me the radio. i’ve got a plan.”

newt was hesitant but didn’t argue it, handing over the device. thomas switched it over to properly communicate with whoever was on the other end.

_“newt? have you acquired thomas?”_

“this is thomas. i’ve agreed to come with you under one condition.”

_“and what might that be?”_

“you leave everyone here unharmed. they’re innocent, and all you need is me. i’ll let you take whatever you need from me for your cure. just leave them alone.”

_“contrary to what you may believe, thomas, we don’t wish to kill your friends. there have just been a series of unfortunate circumstances that have led to some…..casualties. we’re trying to save the population, not eradicate it. so we’ll honor your conditions. is newt with you?”_

“right here, chancellor,” newt chimed in, his voice surprisingly composed for someone who had just been in the midst of a breakdown.

_“excellent. begin making your way back towards the berg. we need to return to the facility as soon as possible. there is lots of work to be done.”_

the line went static, indicating a disconnect. newt looked terrified again.

“you’re not actually going with them, are you?”

“of course not. but i just bought us some time to warn the others and plan some kind of attack. they’re not leaving here alive.”

everyone was confused and had at least a thousand questions, mostly for newt, but they understood that right now the priority had to be protecting themselves and preserving what they’d built here. they’d worked too hard for it to all be for nothing. wckd couldn’t win.

and they didn’t. for being an extremely last minute (and some might even opt for “poorly thought out”) fight, they were lucky to have no casualties on their end. a few injuries but nothing so serious that it couldn’t be patched up and easily heal. wckd, on the other hand, weren’t so fortunate. thomas had sworn that he would give them hell and he had. they all had.

newt assured them that the only ones who knew the location of the safe haven were now dead, and they had no choice but to believe him.

they were far from a happy ending, but they were content with the fact that they could truly work towards genuine peace within themselves and with others.

—

thomas sat up slowly, frowning softly at newt who was thrashing around wildly in his sleep on the bed. it’d been about two weeks since he’d returned to them and every single night he had awful nightmares. he slept in the medic tent because of it to avoid keeping anyone else awake and despite protests, thomas never left his side.

“newt, it’s okay. it’s okay. it’s just a dream. you’re safe. nobody is going to hurt you anymore,” he promised. newt cried out in response.

“come on, it’s okay. you’re safe. you’re safe,” he tried again. this time newt shot up in the bed, fist swinging at thomas. the boy caught his hand before he could make impact.

“get away from me!” newt screamed before snapping out of whatever past memory he must’ve been trapped in. despite having his real memories triggered by thomas, there was definitely still times where the truth got a little blurry or where what wckd had put in his head would bleed into reality. he struggled a lot with it and there was a good chance that he probably always would. eventually they hoped it wouldn’t be so bad, but nobody knew when “eventually” would come. so they dealt with it the best that they could. it wasn’t easy, but nothing they’d been through had been. and to thomas, newt was worth it. newt was worth everything.

newt scanned thomas’ face for a few moments, in search of any signs of fear or anger but was met only with an assuring smile instead. the boy smiled hesitantly in return before pulling thomas onto the bed with him and wrapping his arms tight around his torso.

“i’m sorry, tommy. i’m out of my bloody mind. don’t know how you manage to put up with me,” he confessed quietly with a chuckle.

thomas shushed him and pulled away from the embrace, brushing the blonde hair off newt’s forehead and placing a gentle kiss there. newt kissed the healing cut that his knife had left on thomas’ cheek in response.

“does it hurt at all?”

“not really, no.”

“would you tell me if it did?”

“definitely not.”

“you’re an ass. don’t know why i agreed to be your boyfriend.”

the playful tone quickly died down as newt took thomas’ hands in his own, pursing his lips together. he stared at their hands for a moment before looking up to meet his lovers eyes. tears were threatening to spill from his as he cleared his throat to speak. “this…...forgetting — _not knowing_ , is worse than anything else. being me but _not_ at the same time is so painful, tommy. and i’m just terrified of this getting worse instead of better. because really, nobody knows what’s going to happen, do they? nobody can tell me that i’ll be fine. that i’ll quit waking up sickened at the face of the person i treasure most before remembering who he _truly_ is. i feel more lost than i did coming up in the box. i would give _anything_ to have no memories than to keep living with the shit in my head. this is worse than the emptiness i first felt in the glade. this is worse than everything i experienced with the flare. i was forgetting all the good stuff, but at least the good stuff was almost all that i knew. now…...now i’m going completely mad! i — i don’t know that i can live like this for the rest of my life, tommy. not if i get worse, at least. if i start lashing out more or hurt you again and again. i need you to promise me that if i get worse over time instead of better, you’ll kill me. you can’t let me hurt you or anyone else. please. promise me. please _._ ”

honestly, the last thing thomas wanted to think about was newt getting worse. he wanted to be optimistic and hopeful for the both of them. he wanted to tell newt he was being stupid because they were going to have such a bright future together -- here, in the safe haven -- with all of their friends. but realistically he couldn’t. because there was no guarantee any of those things would happen. there was no guarantee that newt would heal. the human brain was a complex thing and it was never meant to be tampered with. man was never supposed to be able to do all the things that wckd had done. there was no saying what was going to happen from here. it was all just wishful thinking and guesses.

so, despite how much it pained him to agree, thomas nodded and choked out a soft, “i promise, newt. i promise.”

seemingly satisfied with that answer, newt smiled softly again before laying back on the bed and pulling thomas down with him. they instantly morphed together — legs tangled, arms around each other, foreheads touching. both of them would’ve been perfectly content to stay that way forever.

“i love you, tommy,” newt confessed.

although they’d never spoken the words previously, they didn’t come as a shock. anyone and everyone could tell that there was always deeply rooted affection between them.

“i love you too, newt,” thomas replied.

“don’t you dare let me forget it.”

—

when thomas woke, newt wasn’t at his side. their conversation from the night before came back to him and he had a moment of panic before hearing laughter outside. instantly the panic was replaced by relief and happiness. when he stepped outside of the tent, the sight before him completely warmed his heart.

frypan was cooking up breakfast for everyone with the brightest smile on his face, clearly content in having his old job from the glade back. food was something he’d been pretty passionate about, even if he wasn’t always the best at making it. but he worked with what he had available and given their conditions, nobody complained and appreciated that he would even take the time to try.

sitting on a makeshift bench near him were gally, aris, minho, newt, and brenda. they appeared to be listening to some crazy story gally was telling. well, newt and brenda were only about half listening, as they both seemed to be mocking him. thomas couldn’t have been more in love with his little family.

“you know, it’s kind of concerning how much fun you guys have when i’m not around,” thomas teased.

“maybe it’s because you’re incredibly boring,” minho shrugged, a playful smile on his lips. that earned agreements from everyone.

“newt, you’re his boyfriend, you’re not suppose to agree when people insult him!” brenda scolded with a laugh, pinching the blonde’s side.

he jerked away from her and lightly smacked her hand. his smile was like the sun. “tommy understands that i have a responsibility in this world to be an honest person,” he replied before looking up at thomas and winking.

“so you two are boyfriends, then? officially? newt, come on. i thought you had standards. i’m disappointed,” gally chimed in.

“geez, guys. so glad we’re all friends. if it’s going to be bully thomas hour, i think i’ll go back to sleep,” the boy grumbled and began to turn around, pretending that he was going to leave. of course he didn’t actually plan to go anywhere. he loved that everyone was able to relax without any worry and joke around, even if he was the punchline.

a hand on his shoulder stopped him from getting much of anywhere. when he looked, he was met with those sweet brown eyes that he loved so much.

“just going to walk away, are you now?” newt whispered. it reminded him of their unpleasant reunion on the beach, and by the mischievous smirk on the boys lips, thomas could tell that was exactly his intentions. it was a painful memory but seeing newt so playful and full of life, he couldn’t help but smile. plus it wasn’t the first time newt had referenced a negative memory. humor just seemed to be his coping mechanism.

“from you? never,” thomas whispered back as he wrapped an arm around newt and connected their lips in a slow kiss. if anyone cared, they kept their comments to themselves.

or at least they did until jorge came up and smacked thomas on the head with a paperback book, causing the boy to jump back and yelp. newt clutched his chest as he began laughing.

“you could at least wait till _after_ breakfast to shove your tongue down my boys throat,”  jorge criticised.

there was an unmissable flash of warmth and pride on newt’s face at being referred to as jorge’s boy. the two had apparently bonded in the scorch while he and brenda were separated from them and joked almost the entire car ride in bertha to the right arm. when newt “died”, jorge tried to pretend that he wasn’t affected. _“not everyone is always going to make it, especially not in this world,”_ he would say. but thomas knew that his facade was bullshit when he woke up one night to find the older man crying by the remembrance rock, index finger tracing the letters of newt’s name. he allowed thomas to comfort him and confessed to him that he’d viewed newt as a son, just like he viewed brenda as his daughter. in a way he saw all of the gladers as his children, but with newt it was different. newt had happily accepted the role. though the gladers would always be his first family, it was nice to have that fatherly bond with somebody. if anyone were to approach him right now and ask him where his parents were, he’d one hundred percent tell them that jorge was his dad. and brenda was a comfort for him, too. wckd scrambling with his brain had caused some of those long forgotten memories of his life before the maze to come back. it was hard to comprehend and to piece together since he was already so young that they’d be blurry, but he’d shared bits with thomas on a night when they couldn’t sleep. “ _i think i had a sister,_ ” he’d said before pausing, tone shifting to one of sadness as he added, “ _i think they killed her”._ so it was pleasant for him to regain that sisterly connection he’d had stolen from him, too, even if they weren’t biologically related.

“speaking of breakfast, it’s ready, so everyone come fix yourselves a plate and let’s eat!” frypan announced proudly. everyone around them cheered happily before forming a line in front of the food.

“you sit and relax, okay? i’ll get your plate,” thomas smiled sweetly at newt.

newt rolled his eyes, shoving the others shoulder. “jesus, tommy, i’m not a baby. i can get my own bloody plate,” he grumbled before taking a seat on the log anyway. thomas chuckled and shook his head as he joined the line.

—

thomas was laid out in the sand, soaking up the sun rays and listening to the crashing waves when he felt a sudden weight on his chest, causing his eyes to fly open as he gasped for air. taking in the sight above him left him breathless in a completely new way. newt was sitting on his chest, beaming down at him. his hair was hanging down in his face and with the sun backlighting him, he looked like some sort of heavenly being. without saying a word the blonde took his hand, pressing gentle kisses to each of his knuckles. then he leaned down and barely brushed their lips together with a giggle.

“hi,” newt simply whispered.

“hey,” thomas whispered back, chuckling softly.

just as thomas was leaning up to kiss him fully, the boy stood and moved away from him, grinning wildly as he tossed his shirt aside before running towards the water. when he realized that the other wasn’t following along behind him he scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“well come on then, tommy! get off your ass!” he called.

it was as if his body went on autopilot the second newt demanded anything of him. he never protested, he just did it. he thinks he’d do anything with newt. and that was as much terrifying as it was exciting.

thomas ran to catch up with newt and scooped the boy into his arms, throwing him over his shoulder. newt squealed in protest and squirmed in hopes of escaping but ultimately failed. it wasn’t until they were waist-deep in the water that he let the blonde down. he frowned like a grumpy child before splashing the boy. within moments a whole battle broke out between them. they probably looked ridiculous. no, they _definitely_ looked ridiculous. they were screaming, laughing, _playing_. they were acting like children. they _were_ children. it was easy to forget that with everything they’d been through. but looking at them now, you would probably never know they had so much horror and pain haunting them. you’d never know what they’ve lost. what (and who) they sacrificed to get this far. to get to this point of freedom and happiness. it seemed to hit them both then, too. just how lucky they were. and how grateful they were to be here. to be alive.

it was newt who brought them together in a kiss, arms securely wrapped around thomas’ waist while thomas’ hands cupped his face. the kiss was slow and sweet and full of so much love that it was almost suffocating.

“i won’t let you forget it,” thomas whispered, pressing their foreheads together.

“what?” newt laughed soft, clearly confused.

“how much i love you. i won’t let you forget it. ever. i—there’s a lot of people i tried to save that i couldn’t. a lot of things that i failed to protect. but this? what we have, newt? it’s not going to be one of my failures. i’m going to protect this. i promise. and i don’t know if that means much, but i do. i promise.”

newt didn’t even try to fight the tears that slipped from his eyes. though if you asked him, he’d definitely tell you that it was just water dripping from his hair.

“that was the single cheesiest thing i’ve ever heard anybody say, tommy.”

then they were kissing again.

—

newt could tell thomas was confused and definitely hurt when he began distancing himself from him, but he respected newt enough to give him space. and it was obvious that he wanted to protest when newt told him to go sleep in his hammock for the night and that he’d be fine alone but instead he whispered a soft ‘ _okay, i trust you. i’ll see you tomorrow’_ and went his separate way.

and now, sitting on the edge of his bed, twirling his (or rather wckd’s) knife in his hand with tear filled eyes, he’d never hated himself so damn much. he hated himself for burdening all of his friends. he hated the fearful expressions they all got when his mood had the slightest shifts. he hated how he was finally safe and _free_ yet couldn’t even appreciate it because every day he was suffering in his own mind. apparently he was getting good at masking it or controlling it, but he slipped from reality more often than anybody thought. it was awful. he just wanted it all to be over.

thomas’ words wouldn’t leave his head, though. he _trusted_ him. trusted him to take care of himself, to not do anything harmful, to come to him if it all became too much, and to still be hanging on when he woke up. and here he was about to break that trust. about to tear down everything they’d built here together in the last few weeks. everything they fought so hard to get for so long.

“you’re fucked up. you’re so fucked up,” he muttered angrily to himself as he glared at his reflection in the blade of the knife. it would be so easy to end it all. but since when had he chosen easy? and maybe everyone was right. maybe things would get better. maybe things do have to get worse before they can be fixed. what kind of person would he be if he just gave up? if he gave up, wckd would win, wouldn’t they? he couldn’t have that. he wouldn’t. he was stronger than that. he _had_ to be.

so newt stood, making his way out of the med shack and down the beach, hot tears running down his cheeks. he stood at the edge of the sand, staring blankly out into the black abyss as a million thoughts filled his head. the boy let out a strangled sob before tossing the knife into the ocean to be washed away by the waves. then he fell to his knees and let himself break completely, tightly wrapping his arms around himself as he cried.  

after a few moments he felt two hands on his shoulders, causing him to lift his head. jorge and brenda were crouched at his sides, smiling gently at him. he couldn’t help but smile sadly back. immediately they wrapped their arms around him and held him tight.  

“you got this, newt,” brenda whispered before adding, “i’m so proud of you.”

“and i’m proud of you too, mijo. you’re strong. definitely stronger than i ever could’ve been at your age,” jorge added.

newt let out another sob at that, though this wasn’t as sad as before. it was more like happy tears. for so long he’d been holding everyone else together and making sure that they were taken care of. that they believed in themselves. and now he had jorge and brenda who were ready to pick him up when he fell down. they were going to take care of him. that was something he needed, more than he’d like to admit.

“thank you. both of you. it…..it means a lot to me,” newt replied, voice trembling as he spoke

  
“you don’t have to thank us. we’re here for you. we’re always going to be here for you, no matter what. you’re family now and family has each others backs,” brenda promised.

“that’s going to be really hard for me to get use to, honestly. i’m not exactly the best at going to people when i need something. i’ve always just….bottled it up, you know? never wanted to be a burden to anybody. i still don’t. but at the same time, i’m not sure i can do this on my own.”

“you’re not on your own and you never will be again, okay? you’ve got us, you’ve got minho, frypan, gally, and don’t even get me started on thomas. that kid would die for you. i don’t think i’ve ever seen anyone look at another person the way he looks at you. point is, you’ve got a strong support system here. and we’re all going to make sure you stay afloat. i won’t lie to you and say that healing is going to be easy for you. you’ve got a long road ahead. but you _aren’t_ walking that road alone. and you’re going to get past this. you deserve to be happy, and you will be,” jorge assured. and for the first time, newt believed in himself, too.

“come on, let’s get you back to bed,” the older man added and ruffled the boys hair as he and brenda stood before helping the blonde up out of the sand as well. newt’s face twisted up in confusion when he realized that they were walking towards the main sleeping area, opposed to the med tent where he had been staying.

“i--i can’t go there…”

brenda rolled her eyes. “sure you can. you’re no different from the rest of us. no reason for you to be isolated. besides, thomas would love the company, i’m sure. he was pouting like a baby until he fell asleep.”

and well, newt couldn’t exactly argue with that. it _would_ be nice to actually feel like an official part of the group. perhaps this was what he needed. after all, he definitely wouldn’t be able to view himself as ‘normal’ if he was treated like everything but that.

the pair led him to thomas’ hammock and said their goodnights before leaving him to be alone with the other boy. newt observed the sleeping boy for a few moments before shaking his shoulder gently. thomas’ eyes flew open and he instantly was on alert until he saw it was just newt. his whole demeanor softened.

“oh, hey you,” thomas smiled, voice groggy.

“hello yourself. got room for one more?”

thomas nodded, shifting in the hammock to make more room for newt. the blonde climbed in next to his boyfriend and wrapped his arms instinctively around his torso, pressing their foreheads together.

“newt, have you been crying?” the brunette asked softly, pulling back a bit.

“what? oh. yeah. it’s — it’s been a bad night, tommy,” he confessed.

“do you need to talk about it?”

“not really, no. brenda and jorge helped me through it. just wanted to come cuddle my boyfriend, if that’s alright?”

“of course it’s alright.”

they talked in hushed voices until they both fell asleep, newt’s face buried in the crook of thomas’ neck and thomas’ buried in newt’s hair.

—

though the previous night ended on a ‘good’ note, newt was naturally still feeling down the next day. he felt as if he was weighted to the hammock and couldn’t move even if he wanted to. and thomas, being the caring and understanding person he is, didn’t push newt. in fact, he never even left his side except to get them some breakfast in the morning. newt couldn’t have been more grateful. 

currently they were snuggled up together as thomas read aloud to newt a book that he had borrowed from brenda. it wasn’t necessarily a gripping story that newt was very interested in, but he loved listening to thomas’ voice. and, that combined with the sounds of thomas’ heartbeat in his other ear due to his head on his chest, it kept him grounded. reminded him that he was really here and that all of this wasn’t just a dream. since it was already hard for him to keep a grip on reality, that was definitely important to him. 

eventually it _did_ get boring, though. thomas was mid-sentence when newt pushed the book from his hands, whining and clinging to his boyfriend in a way that thomas knew meant he wanted attention. he chuckled softly in response and ruffled newt’s sandy blonde hair.

“i was reading that, you know.”

“would you rather have me fall asleep and snore so loudly that you can’t even hear yourself think?” 

“you don’t even snore, newt.”

“no? oh. well, i could. if i wanted to. just to annoy you.” 

thomas scoffed at that, shaking his head, “i don’t think it works that way. you can’t just decide one day to snore.”

“always the bearer of bad news, aren’t ya tommy?”

“i think it might be my speciality at this point. maybe i need a new hobby. one that doesn’t involve reading books, because apparently it bores my boyfriend to the point of unconsciousness.”

“you just have a poor taste in literature. excellent taste in boyfriends, though.”

“oh, yeah, he’s a real gem. totally not regretting every decision i’ve made that led me to a relationship with him,” thomas teased.

“hey! i wasn’t _that_ mean!” newt faked a frown before rolling onto his side, facing away from the brunette in a playful pout.

thomas knew that newt wasn’t genuinely offended but for some reason it still made him feel guilty. he wrapped his arms tightly around the boy, his chest pressed against his back as he placed a line of kisses on his lovers neck. one could probably feel the heat radiating off of newt’s pink cheeks as he smiled in contentment.

“you know i love you more than anything. you’re the best thing to ever happen to me out of all of this, and i’d go to the ends of the earth for you,” thomas whispered as he took newt’s hands in his, intertwining their fingers.

normally newt would probably make a comment about how he definitely understood why the rest of the group thought that they were insufferable because they’d practically been torn from the pages of one of brenda’s romance novels, but the more he thought about it, the less terrible that seemed. if people had written it in various books, that had to be what love was really like, didn’t it? at least before the whole world had gone to hell? when things were normal? and that’s what they really deserved. they deserved some normal. wckd had been defeated. the battle was won. they could enjoy things now. they could _live_. 

newt could tell thomas was waiting for some kind of sarcastic comment, though. instead he shook his head lightly and snuggled back against the other boy with a soft hum.

“i know you do. and i do too, you know. love you. almost scares me the things i would do to make sure you’re always able to stay by my side.”

“hopefully you never have to do any of those things. i don’t want us to have to fight anything anymore, i just want us to be able to enjoy this paradise.”

newt was silent for a few moments before squeezing thomas’ hands and closing his eyes. “paradise is anywhere that i’m with you, tommy. every look, every touch, every word. from the moment you came up in the box, you—“ he pauses, then, his whole body tensing. the way you do when you’ve forgotten your train of thought. except this time, it’s the opposite. the blonde turns to face the other with a shining grin on his face. “no. not when you came up in the box. before. before that. because there was, wasn’t there? for us?  and we knew each other, didn’t we?”

thomas felt like he couldn’t breathe. honestly, he never expected newt to remember that. though with all the tampering wckd did with his head, he supposed it made sense. but all those memories were ones he prepared to lock away in favor of creating new ones and  not potentially making newt feel guilty for the fact he didn’t know just how in love they were before the maze, too. all the late nights huddled up together in their twin beds, talking in hushed voices about their wildest dreams so that nobody would hear. the way they would hold hands when nobody was looking. or, thomas’ favorite, the way they kissed each other for the first time. they didn’t mean for it to happen. not really, anyway. the two of them were goofing off in thomas’ bunk at night when their combined laughter was getting too loud. they kept shushing each other but it only made them laugh harder and harder. they made eye contact to shush one another again and instead ended up with their lips pressed together. they were thirteen at the time. it wasn’t long after that when newt was sent up into the maze, and at that point thomas had never hated himself so much.

“something like that, yeah,” thomas finally confirmed, gently brushing newt’s hair out of his face.

if anyone were around to see the couple, they’d describe them as glowing, because they were. they were smiling at each other with so much love that it was practically blinding. it was obvious that they thought the world of one another.

“maybe bren’s books _are_ more truth than fiction, then. about the whole fate thing,” newt chuckled though he was being genuine. he just found it a bit amusing.

the brunette nodded, “i’d like to think so. i’d also like to think that we’ve ended up exactly where we’re meant to be.”

“i think so too, tommy.” 

and really? that was all thomas ever needed to hear.

—

it’d been a week since newt had decided that yeah, maybe he could get through this after all. of course things weren’t _magically better_ , but they getting brighter. he felt hopeful for the future. he _wanted_ there to be a future for him here, he was sure of that much.

so that’s what led to everyone (at least those newt considered close friends) huddled around a campfire near the remembrance stone where the names of all the people they’d lost along the way were carved, including newt’s, but that was about to change. when he’d told thomas that they should keep his name there just in case, the boy could barely stop crying for five minutes and never let the blonde leave his side. now he was seated between minho and gally, so much pride in his expression as he beamed at newt.

“you got this, newt!” gally cheered supportively, giving a thumbs up. newt couldn’t help but laugh. god, he was glad that he was alive. that they both were. he missed having him around. despite what most probably thought, the two were actually fairly good friends.

newt traced his index finger over every single letter of his name with pursed lips. it was definitely strange to see himself up there among all the other fallen group members. it felt unfair that he was able to do this and they weren’t. they all deserved to be here, even the people he’d never known. he inhaled a sharp breath and smiled soft at everyone around (who all gave him assuring smiles in return) before he began carving lines over his name, not stopping until it was practically impossible to read without much effort. the whole thing was incredibly therapeutic. a feeling of pride washed over him and forced a smile onto his face. this feeling wasn’t foreign to him. not completely. he’d of course been proud of his friends dozen of times. just never himself. up until now, he’d never truly felt like he’d done anything worthy of being proud of. but this was a huge stepping stone for him. for once, he was winning his battle against his own demons. one he’d been fighting for as long as he could remember. and that hope he’d made sure all his friends maintained was now hope he held for himself, too.

when newt finally took a step back and placed the carving tools on a nearby tree stump, everyone erupted into cheers. next thing he knew he was in the middle of a massive group hug. it was completely suffocating and he could barely hear himself think with everyone spewing words of encouragement at the same exact time but this was a moment that he wouldn’t trade for anything.

this moment -- and all the future moments to come -- were definitely worth living and fighting for.

—

“newt. newt. oh, come _on_ , you don’t sleep that heavy,” thomas laughed quietly, shaking newt’s shoulders.

newt -- who was pretending to be asleep -- couldn’t help but laughed. he rubbed his eyes before opening them, smiling softly up at thomas who seemed extremely excited about something. "we don't have rules at this place, do we? i'm officially petitioning for us to set some rules here. first suggestion? no waking me up at whatever time this is."

thomas rolled his eyes before clearing his throat, doing his best imitation of newt's accent, "don't be a twat about it."

instantly the boy sat up in the hammock, glaring at thomas. he wasn't seriously irritated, though, and it was pretty much impossible to keep up the act that he was. he shook his head with a giggled and playfully punched thomas' shoulder. "you're an absolute idiot, you know that?" he sighed as he brushed his fingers through his hair and getting out of his hammock. "alright, what's so urgent that i had to be woken from my slumber? i - _tommy_! the sun is barely even up!"

"that's the point. we're going to watch the sun come up. it's.....i've been wanting to do it with you since i got here, honestly. it's what i was imagining when i was on the beach that day you came back. maybe it's stupid. i just thought you might like it. i  understand if you don't want to. we can--"  his sentence was cut off by newt pressing their lips together in a slow kiss. once he was over the initial shock, he melted into the contact though it didn't last too long before newt was pulling back with that wide grin thomas loved so much.

"you really need to learn to shut up sometimes, you know that? it's perfect. really romantic. didn't think you had it in ya. come on, let's go. i don't wanna miss it."

without another word the couple walked hand-in-hand down to the beach. they settled down together in the sand, newt sitting between thomas' legs with thomas' arms wrapped around his stomach and chin resting on his shoulder. it was exactly how he'd pictured it all those weeks ago. 

newt watched the sun rise up into the sky with tear filled eyes and a content smile on his lips, feeling so lucky that he was able to witness something so beautiful. thomas felt exactly the same. except his gaze wasn't directed towards the sky at all. in fact, his eyes never even left newt's face. he realized then that it wasn't the sunrise he'd ever wanted to watch. no, it was  _newt_ watching the sunrise that he'd wanted to see so badly.

"it's amazing, tommy," newt whispered.

"yeah. yeah, it is amazing," he replied.

"you haven't even been watching," the blonde pointed out with a snort.

"i'm looking at exactly what i want to see."

newt's brows furrowed together in confusion as he turned around the face thomas before fully realizing what he meant.

"thomas...."

"what?"

"i love you so much."

then he was kissing thomas so hard that they fell backwards into the sand.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! 
> 
> if you enjoyed and would like, you can follow me on my twitter @heroicgay!


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